I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
