he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
