Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
