Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
