So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
