I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
