fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
