the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
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Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
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She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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