I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
