I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
