i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
