3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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