just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
