Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
