Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
