I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
