I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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