you didnt know i had herpes?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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