woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
