My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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