omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.