i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.