Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
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He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
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I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.