He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
