I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
