Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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