so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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