my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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