u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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