I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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