The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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