You smell like a Billy Joel song
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
