my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Deaf chicks here I come
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
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you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
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In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen