We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
