you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.