Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.