i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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