I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
