All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
