Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I need to stop coming to work sober
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
