How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
