i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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