Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
