how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
