Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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