i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
