I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
