I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
