So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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