so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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