uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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