drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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