what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
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I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
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I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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