i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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