Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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