i permit you to call me
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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