That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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