No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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